I am losing hope on ever being happy. I feel as though i'm almost together and he finds a way to break me. I hate this. Maybe I should just give up and say that its over with but i can't.  I can't let go no matter what. He's the only thing that I have and even though it's not making me happy.. I can't be alone. So much shit has been going on between us lately. I don't trust him anymore.  He used to have that but it went away with all his lies. When he first asked me out I was flying high. I liked him. He had the most amazing smile and beautiful eyes. He was so sweet to me and i felt the need to be with him. Well things changed almost right away. I can't tell anyone we're dating for fear his ex (whom was 5 months pregnant at the time) wouldn't let him see his son. I accepted that because he really wanted to be a father. Well I denied we were dating to this person and he ended up with some girls number. I didn't think he'd call but oh he did. He lied to me when I was at work and told me he was just going to sit at home for the night. I got a call from his brother telling me otherwise. They went to her house and he told me he tried pot. I hated him. I almost left him that night but his tears convinced me to stay. So I did. Well, i had his password for his myspace and read his letters to her. He said "oh the things I'd do to you" in one and i almost threw up. I made my friend read the letter and my boyfriend decided to yell at me and call me a spy. All his letters telling all these girls that they're so sexy still haven't convinced me to end this relationship. Even when he wrote to his friend about a cute blonde and getting her number because she had wanted his still hasn't convinced me. I lost so much trust for him. And then his son was born. Everything that we had went away. I miss all the times when we would just be happy together and didn't spend every moment fighting, which it has become. He wants me to be friends with the mother of his baby but I cant. I can barely talk to her without wanted to strangle her. She's a fucking slut. She's 18 with 2 kids now and she doesn't know how to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her actions. One night which was the night I've never been so hurt , she wanted to get drunk when we were at my boyfriends brothers house. She started bitching that the baby wouldn't go to sleep so she could drink. I felt so sick. She left her other child in her apartment sleeping. Well we were sitting by the bonfire and her and my boyfriend went out into the woods. They came back and went to check on the kid that was sleeping at her house and she was drunk off her ass. It was taking them forever and mind you he ignored me the whole time. I told my friend we were leaving and we walked by her apartment and i could hear her moaning... He was fucking her. My heart dropped to my stomach and i flipped out. I called him and he claimed he was downstairs and that she was changing when i saw him leave her bedroom from the window just before he answered. My friend didn't have any words to say except that she didn't believe him. I spent the whole night crying and throwing up because i've never been so hurt, used, and broken as to when he did that. He denies cheating on me that night. I can't believe him even if his story was true. He lost my trust already. His brothers girlfriend tells me all this stuff that he's been doing behind my back. I don't trust her either because her and his brother believe they know everything but they don't know anything. I love him so much and he told me that he loves me but I'm losing all of my happiness wondering what happens when I'm not there. Is he faithful? Is he lying to me? Is our relationship anything to him? Am I anything to him? Everyone tells me to leave him but I can't. I've tried but i just feel so alone because I don't have anyone. I hate having to cry myself to sleep every night because we fight. I hate all this fighting over absolutely nothing. I hate that there is not trust between us. I hate that its not me and him. I hate that i'm not happy anymore no matter how hard I pretend. I hate that no ones seeing me fall apart and trying to catch me. I hate me.. for being so stupid and weak.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

And there are voices
That want to be heard
So much to mention
But you can't find the words
The scent of magic
The beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

Listen to your heart
Mmmmmmmm

I don't know where your going
And I don't know why
Listen to you heart
Before you tell him goodbye

i don't know why I'm doing this.
I don't see what's so unfixable.
But It's getting harder all the time
To deal
To breathe

This pain in my arm is so much easier
I can't take it in my heart anymore.
I need the scars to remind myself
that I need...you.
I need...you.

You are the only one who understands.
The only one I want to understand.
If they all knew
It would only be worse.
They judge us; They sneer.
None of them see what we are.
What we could be
And what we can do.

But this pain in my arm is so much easier
I can't take it in my heart anymore.
I need the scars to remind myself
that I need...you
I need...you

I need to stop.(Help me to heal.)
I need to feel better. (Hold my hand)
I need to breathe again. (Keep my head up.)

but most of all
I need...you
I need...you
I need...you.

Consider the odds’
consider the obvious.
The martyr is meaningless’
the campaign has died.
In the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.

This purchased rebellion has been outdated’
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless.
I begged you not to go.
I begged you’ I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.

Hope has sprung a perfect dive
a perfect day’ a perfect lie.
A slowly crafted monologue conceding your defeat.

Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight"
Basking in your victory’
hollow and alone
to boast your bitter bragging rights to anyone who’ll listen.
While you’re left with nothing tangible to gain.

Here I sit, alone in a window
The rain falls down on the glass in the cold
All my life, Ive been waiting for a moment
It never came, maybe never will
Ah sometimes I dont know
Those days are gone
Lord I hide where I just cant say
Im still there, catching your tears
Before they fall to the ground

You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart
You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart - yeah

Trees are bare, the earth it is hard
I wait for winter, soft winter and snow
Those days are gone
Now I hide, where I just cant say
Ill be there catching your tears
Before they fall to the ground

You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart
You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart

And I know, where ever you go, Ill be around yeah
Ill be there catching your tears before they fall to the ground
yeah

Those days are gone
Now I hide where I just cant say
Im still there, watching your tears
As they fall to the ground

You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart
You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart
And I know
You, youre walking away
You couldnt stay, you need a change of heart
And I know
Oh, now, child, you need a change of heart
And I know
You, youre walking away
I need your love so bad
Change of heart, change of heart
Change of heart, change of heart

Heartbreak Lullaby
I can almost feel you lying next to me,
Like it used to be,
And its hard to let go,
When there's always something there reminding me,
How things could be,
I've tried to get you off my mind,
I've tried to play my part,
But everytime I close my eyes,
You're still inside my heart,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,
Like the stars in the sky,
You still keep on shining down you're light on me,
But out of reach,
And I know that in time,
You will come back to your senses,
See the signs,
And change your mind,
I try to look the other way,
And keep my heart on hold,
But everytime I'm close to you,
I lose my self-control,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must i cry?
Give me just one good reason why..
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words, To my Heartbreak Lullaby

I HAVE studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me—
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire—
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

Nothing seems to be the way that it used to
Every thing seems shallow
God give me truth, in me
And tell me somebody is watching, over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He's done to me
Oh but maybe, someday I will believe
Then I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

Don't you run to fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you, to see somebody is watching over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He does to you
Oh but maybe, someday you will believe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment will be more true
Than the moment I look at you

It's in you, to see somebody is watching over you
And that is all I'm praying is that...

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He does to you
Oh but maybe, someday you will believe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby